I ask you, fellow fathers, are you properly preparing your children for the future. Sure, we have all given up valued careers, late night dinners with clients (where someone else cooks the damn steak!), possible liaisons from the office ho-bag. Yes, we have made our sacrifices for the good of our children.
But have we done enough, have we actually prepared our children from the single most terrifying threat that is coming? Oh yes, it's coming. It may be 20 years from now, but it is coming.
I am of course referring to zombie attacks.
Have you thought about what tactics you are going to teach your kids for that faithful time, when the zombie hoard comes to destroy us all?
Let me guess--you are perhaps teaching your kids how to use some guns. Hopefully a wide range of assault rifles, hand guns, perhaps even a harpoon because the horde will follow you into the ocean as well. We all know this.
And then maybe you are teaching them some survival techniques. Like what plants you can eat, how to set bear traps and the value of a meal cooked of dog. Not bad.
And finally, I would bet you are teaching them proper barricading techniques. Things such as how to board up windows, proper placement of punji sticks, which buildings make the best last minute forts. Hospitals are good. Gas stations perhaps, but only if they have an assortment of Slim Jims. But never a rest stop, the facilities are never clean enough.
But my friends, my dear ignorant friends, I declare you wrong. Yes, wrong as the day is long.
You are wrong because none of these things will ever work. We all know it. We've all seen it. I've seen just about every zombie movie out there. I have played just about every zombie game. And I've even read a ton of zombie books. And what have they all taught us?
There is no safe haven. There will be no great place in the country of western Kansas that will be free from the horde. There will be no government compound. Because all the movies and games tell us the same thing: it will all be over run. You can't keep the zombies out. They are relentless.
I have taken a different approach with my children. It's more passive, but I do believe it's ingenious. The only way to beat the zombies is to live with them. The only way to live with them is to convince them that you are ONE of them. Yes, you read that right, ONE of the undead. Without being undead of course, only acting like the undead so that they are not attacked by the zombie horde.
I have spent the last two days teaching both of my minions how to act like zombies. Sure, they are young ( a one year old and a 3 year old) but the lessons that they learn today will be the survival skills of tomorrow.
All I have to say is "How does a zombie go?" and immediately both of my kids spring into action. They snarl and they claw at the air, much like an inferi does. It sounds really good and I'm a quite proud father knowing that this is just the beginning. My son looks very good doing the zombie, he even slobbers a little. He may be teething but I take it to mean he actually understands the importance of what I'm teaching.
We are working on the zombie shuffle but that's not going so well at the moment. It's more stomping on the dog than shuffling for brains kind of thing. But we'll get there. I think we are making good progress. I made them do it for everyone at the gym today and I actually heard some screams in the background. Of course those screams could have been for me because I was all glistening in sweat and hotness, but I think it was for more the accurate portrayal of my zombie minions.
I realize that we have a lot of work to do, but we'll get there. And when the zombie horde comes, my kids will slip seamlessly into their ranks to gradually wait them out. Natural disasters should wipe a good number of zombies out. And I'm assuming that some will walk off cliffs and things because let's face it, zombies aren't that smart. And I'm sure some of your kiddos will take a few down before being over run. My kids will just sit back and wait, acting like zombies when necessary, scavaging for food when possible, and always praising the name of their father.
And in case you're wondering: I also taught my kids how to take a fake punch and then fall, how to do a three point stance, and how to say "Gigidy" like Quagmire from Family Guy. My wife is a very lucky woman.