Sunday, April 10, 2011

Man Vs. Weeds

It's going to be tough today. I know it, my wife knows it, and the kids sense it. They notice that good old dad isn't talking. They see a worried look on my face, my brows are creased in thought. They hit me in the balls a couple of times and are shocked that I don't react. They look at each other and then run off.

I've got other things on my mind today, I've got a job to do and I'm not feeling good about it. I've got to go out to the yard. I have to face something that so far has gotten the best of me. This is my last chance or I'll lose it. I'll lose it bad. I'll go to a very dark place and I may not come back from it.

It's the weeds. It's always the weeds. They're back. And they're out front. Waiting for me to come back, waiting for the final battle.

When we bought this house, no one had lived in it for 2 years. That means that no one put any weed prevent down either. The first year we lived here I didn't do much. I didn't have time, I was trying to settle the family in a new city. The second year I launched my first offensive. I laid down prevent, weeded, aerated and laid down new grass seed. Some of it came up to. And the weeds came back up.

About a week ago the dandelions came back followed quickly by the clover. The clover came back in strips so it looks like it was intentionally planted. It's either aliens or my neighbors, I'm not sure. But I am sure that they have allies. But that's ok, because I do to now.

I bought a special chemical. Something deadly. Something that I'm pretty sure I'm not qualified to handle. If it was any stronger I think I would need military clearance and an FBI background check. It is the agent orange of suburbanite weed killers. My sperm count goes down just when I hold the bottle.

I do not have good experiences with chemicals but I feel that drastic measures are necessary at this point. I'm losing this battle, this war is not going my way. Those who follow the blog know that I've had a bad experiences with weeds and weed killers. Last year the big war was against the vine killing my evergreen bush. So I took drastic measures then to.

Oh, I won. There is no doubt that I won. But at what cost? At what cost! I killed the vine. I killed it good. And I killed the bush.

It's time, I head outside. I read the bottle. Mix with water, be careful not to get into eyes, blah blah blah. The bottle says that I should add 1 table spoon per gallon of water. I took this to mean to add 1 tablespoon if you had sand in your vagina and liked to sing show tunes. 2 to 3 will work better. Trust me, I've got a good feeling about this. Maybe I can turn the tide right now??

I pour the chemical into the sprayer. I add water. The vapors sting my eyes and I get a little light headed. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, I'm feeling down right giddy about this. I'm positive that this will work. In fact, I'm feeling damn fine about everything in my life. I'm also a little hungry.

I step out into the lawn and I eyeball the weeds. They eyeball me right back. The clover gives me the finger. I start to cry a little bit. There is no turning back now, I've reached the point of no return.

I grip the sprayer. I walk into the yard with the Ipod blasting. One of us isn't coming back, the only question is which one.

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